The most uncomfortable stuff to talk about is probably your sex life and the changes that have taken place with your illness. You may not know what needs fixing or how to fix it, but you know things are different.
Many women report having less sex than before their illness, for several reasons:
- The breast cancer experience slows down your body. It takes longer to do lots of things, including getting interested in and starting and finishing sexual intercourse.
- Sex may be uncomfortable or even painful if you've been thrown into sudden-onset menopause. No surprise that you tend to have less sex, for now. Many women may have had little or no sex from the time of diagnosis through treatment.
Most people have wild ideas about what goes on in other people's bedrooms. Give yourself a break: The carefully researched book Sex in America (by Michael, Gagnon, Laumann, and Kolata) tells us that Americans have a lot less sex than the movies, television, and the guys in the locker room would have you believe. The averages reported in that book are:
- seven times a month between ages 30 and 40
- six times a month between ages 40 and 50
- five times a month between ages 50 and 60
For people over 60, the numbers continue to decline. But although you may assume that no one in their 70s and 80s has a sex life, that's just not so.
Molly, 78, described her sex life after breast cancer treatment: "I stopped the action for a while, and then we went back at my request. He was waiting for me to give him the go-ahead." Hilda, an 82-year-old breast cancer survivor, explained that she didn't have a lover "at the moment." Sex goes on even into the 90s for some. And now with Viagra, who knows what new limits will be set?
Don't let the myths about other people's sex lives get in the way of what's happening in yours. And remember that there are exceptions to every pattern.
If your sex life is not working the way you want it to, your doctor or nurse may be able to referee these issues with your partner and you. You can cue your doctor in advance, since he or she has most likely already touched on delicate issues with you. Maybe he or she can be the tour guide for the two of you. If your partner is there when you talk with the doctor who's managing your care, you and your partner both get a chance to air and dispel fears, and replace myths and false information with facts.
Basically, loosing breast's to breast cancer is an awful horrid experience. I am amused by some who will say that would be so easy for me! Really easy to say when you are not going through it. But on the mens side, this is what I have found, men don't care. They really don't. It has not stopped me being asked out and people know, or for someone new and I tell them they admire me. I must admit I thought it would be over (that is my dating life). I am sure my first thoughts was dating is now over now. Who will want me. I take that statement back life is actually great. Even with my massive scars, I am the same. Men are wonderful they do not care. Dating is the same...
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